A young man takes a new job as an orderly at the local mental hospital. As he’s walking down the hall he sees a man standing on his bed naked swinging away like he’s playing golf. So he asks “Hey fellow. What are you doing?” The lunatic says “I’m Jack Nicklaus and when I hit a hole-in-one they’re gonna let me outa here!” So the orderly says “Sure, sure they are.” and walks on.
A couple of doors down there’s another man standing on his bed buck naked swinging away like he’s playing baseball, so the orderly asks “What’s up?” The lunatic says “I’m Babe Ruth and when I hit a home run I’m gettin’ outa here!” He says “Right. Keep up the good work.” and moves on.
Two doors down he sees the next patient sitting naked on the side of his bed with his Johnson in a jar of peanuts. He has to know. “What in the hell are YOU doing!?” The lunatic looks up and says “I’m fucking nuts! I am NEVER getting out of here!”
@boothe One day the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into a small town to rest and get some drinks. It was incredibly hot that day so the Lone Ranger asks Tonto to tie off the horse and cool it off while he orders them a round. Tonto proceeds to tie the horse off, but cannot find any water for it to drink. He was at a loss of what to do when he finally got the idea to run around the horse to create a breeze.
So off he went, running as fast as he could around the horse and, sure enough, he began to create a small breeze that began to cool the horse off. Another man watched Tonto for a few minutes as he ran around and around the horse. After watching this scene for about 5 minutes, he went inside the saloon and yelled out “Who owns the horse tied out front?”
The Lone Ranger stood up and said “That horse is mine. Why?”
“Well,” the man replied, “you left your Injun running.”
jammy last edited by
A naked man enters a doctor’s office covered head to toe in clear plastic wrap.
The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
JumpnJive last edited by
A group of prospective Catholic priests were in the final phase of their testing. They had to strip naked, tie a bell around their pecker and stand with their backs against a wall. They did all of this and then a beautiful woman entered the room and began to dance provocatively, stripping off her clothes as she danced.
When she removed her bra and her breasts jiggled out, one of the priests’ bell rang so hard it flew across the room and rolled into a corner. Ashamed of his lack of piety, the young man walked over to his bell and bent over to pick it up.
From the wall with all of the other men came the sound of all of their bells ringing in unison.
Just for @jammyjaybird: A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”
“WELL!” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
“What about your third husband?”
“Oh, that one was a Democ-Rat” said the woman flatly. “For four years he sat on the edge of the bed every night and told me how good it was going to be…but never did a damned thing!”
Another one for @jammyjaybird: This fellow was sitting in the bleachers watching a ball game when the guy behind him starts massaging his neck and feeling the vertebrae with his thumbs. All of sudden he grabs the fellow’s forehead and chin and snaps his head side to side, both ways with audible cracks. The fellow turns around a bit surprised and asks “Hey dude! What’re you doing?!”
The guys says “I’m a chiropractor by profession and I couldn’t help but notice you have some subluxation of the spine in the cervical region. I just took care of that for you. Gratis.”
The fellow tells him “Well that does feel a lot better. But dude, we’re at a ball game. You have learn to leave the office at the office. Take me for example: I’m an attorney. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?”
Monica Lewinski takes her dress into the local dry cleaners to have it laundered and pressed. The guy running the place is elderly and hard of hearing. When she tells him she needs it cleaned and a spot removed he says “Come again”. She says “Naw, I think it’s just mayonnaise this time…”
A man sits down at the bar and stutters to the bartender “I’ll h-h-have a bu-bu-bu-Budweiser.” The bartender draws him a beer, leans in and says “You know, I used to stutter like that. But I cured it.”
The fellow asks “Y-y-you d-did? H-how’d you d-do that?” The bartender leans in and says “I talked my wife into giving me a blow job. After that I never stuttered again. I suggest you try it.”
A couple of weeks later the fellow comes back to the bar, sits down and says “I’ll h-h-have a bu-bu-bu-Budweiser.” The bartender slides him the beer and asks “Did you try what I suggested?”
The fellow stammers “I du-du-did. B-but it du-didn’t w-work. Bu-but you h-have a r-really nice house!”
Never ask a drunk…
As a single mom I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected :
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”
Ransom last edited by
@boothe Hahahah harsh.